Jason Birzer

The time has come. This post may be all over the board, but I believe it is time to discuss this. This past week, Jason sent me a PM. About a year and a half ago, I found him when I "googled" his name on Yahoo! There was a web site that he posted on called, hometheaterforum.com. Overall, the web site is very interesting and a lot of good information.

In May, I finally had a decent picture taken of me. So, I added my photo as an avatar for my posts. Jason recognized my name from my picture. It will be 10 years in October since we broke up.

So, for the past week, we have been PM'ing and now emailing each other, catching up. I know I've been doing a lot apologizing for my behavior and how I treated him when we broke up. I'm about to apologize again. I made a comment in an earlier post:

My Weight...Part 2 (don't forget to start with Par...

In this post, where I am talking about my weight, I made a short mention of Jason. I made the comment, Thank God that we were no longer together.

Okay. The comment was uncalled-for and has been removed. But, I've never really dealt with the break up 10 years ago. I just immediately moved on. For a while, I was just by myself and feeling very lonely, which I actually felt while we were together, although we never were really in the same location.

We met in 1992. I was on a personal trip to Washington DC. I was there for a poetry conference (again, another story). While spending time on the subway, learning my way around the city, since it was my first time there, I bumped into Jason. He helped me by telling me where I needed to go on the subway. After I started away up the escalator, I heard him say, "I wish I got her name." So, before I could even think, I run up, down, and down again on the escalators to find him. I can't remember if he went with me or if I went with him, but we got on the train together and started talking. We exchanged numbers, etc and parted. But, it seems we decided to start dating each other at that moment. So, the whole 4 years we dated, we had a long-distance relationship. It was good the first year. I lived in New Jersey and he at home or at school. Both locations were half-way decent trips for me. I always loved driving, so had no problem traveling to see Jason. I think almost immediately, I fell in love.

That was August, 1992!

What happened during 92-93: This was the first year we were “together.” I lived in New Jersey, going to school for my last 7 classes of my degree. During this time, I was a nanny for 4 children. I lived in the family’s home. Jason came up and visited me at the home. During this year, I wrote a lot of poetry, targeted to my relationship with Jason. For my Spring Break from school, I went to his college and stayed with him in the apartment he and his buddies rented. The first thing I had to do while I was there was wash dishes. I couldn’t believe how many DIRTY dishes they had. I helped out around the apartment as much as I could. As I recall, 3 or 4 guys shared the apartment. It was a very rough week for me. As much as I enjoyed being with him, his best friend did not like me (and didn’t the whole time we were together). At the end of the week, when I was supposed to go home, a terrible snowstorm hit his area. Everything was shut down for 4 extra days. We were stuck in the apartment for 3 of those days because of the amount of snow plowed us in. I just couldn’t wait to get home. I should have been more patient.

Another problem, I was always impatient. But, he was always patient for me.

Anyway, on the way home, and while waiting for a bus from Baltimore to Philadelphia, my wallet was stolen at the bus station in Baltimore. I didn’t realize it until 15 minutes outside of Baltimore. All the way to Philadelphia, I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t even get my next bus to New Jersey. So, I spent the time making a list of all the credit cards, checking info, etc that would have been in my wallet. Once I arrived into Philadelphia, I had to make a collect-call to my parents to come get me. Mom drove an hour down to Philadelphia and brought me home. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I fell for it. First off, I lost $200 in Baltimore. Then, after going to the bank the next morning, found out that the thieves took $200 from my bank account. I had already paid bills and was then getting bounced check fees being attached to my account. I felt so low. I felt embarrassed to my father. In the end, dad gave me the money to cover what was stolen and the bank rescinded the bounced check fees. But, at that time, unlike now, banks didn’t give you back the money when things, like, YOUR WALLET, get stolen. The insurance wasn’t there like it is now. So, I finished up the semester, and grew ever wiser from the experience.

Even though Jason was in college and completed his degree, I think I was jealous of the fact that he was able to go and I wasn’t. Because of my family’s financial situation, and the fact that we had to relocate after my 22 years of being alive, college was out for me. Oh, sure, I got my Associate’s Degree, but only after I had been laid off from the Federal Government. Plus, at that time, it was “cool” to allow people who had been laid off to get paid unemployment AND pay for their education for a new field. Well, I had 7 classes left in my AA. I was able to finish school and get my degree, along with not having to work, but get unemployment money. Yes, I was proud of Jason’s accomplishments, but also jealous of his opportunities. Here’s one communication problem we had because I never told him this. In the beginning, I almost went to the college he went to. Frostburg University in Western Maryland was a choice of colleges for me when I was choosing.

My move in 93: In August, 1993, I completed my degree. The next week, we moved to Cleveland, OH. My mom, being originally from Cleveland, knew that her job at Ft. Dix was going to eventually be phased out, and she would lose her job. Also, in April of that year, dad lost his job at Exxon. What I didn’t know was that they tried to lay him off one day prior to his 20 year anniversary, thus, not enabling him to have his 20 year retirement capabilities. He fought to get that last day so that now he can have his right to a retirement. Anyway, mom knew there were jobs opening up in Cleveland. In July of that year, mom went for training to Indianapolis. On the way home, she stopped in Cleveland and had an interview about the new job. The interviewer thought mom had already moved to Cleveland and offered her a job to start the VERY NEXT DAY. Mom just couldn’t start because she had to come home to New Jersey and get us. So, they started her the next month. At the same time, dad was given a phone interview because of his Vietnam-era Veteran’s status. He was hired over the phone.

As far as my relationship with Jason, we were both devastated. Immediately, I tried to get a job in Washington DC because I would have rather have been there than in Cleveland.

93-94: This was Jason’s senior year of college. Don’t remember why, but he chose to move back into the dorms. With my being in Cleveland, I was closer to him in college. I remember visiting him during the Football draft weekend. It was awkward because his best friend, Brian, lived with him in the same dorm room. So, I was there for the weekend and his best friend, who hated me, was in the same room.

My job in 94: At the same time, I was able to start my first job in January, 1994. I started working at Ernst & Young. Immediately, I was responsible for a lot of “stuff” with my new job. So, I worked 3-11, and rode a bus. By this time, I started my decline of writing. Somehow, I had a writer’s block. That block actually was in place until this past January, 2006. That spring, Jason graduated from college. I was so proud of him, but a little sad because, even though I had a good job, I didn’t have the education that I wanted. I tried that fall to start college at Cleveland State University, but couldn’t get financial aid because 1. they didn’t see me as an independent student, and 2. I had only been living in Ohio for less than a year. So, my education ideas stopped until 2006.

My apartment in 94: That summer, I moved into my own first apartment. It was right across the street from my parents. My parents lived in a building with my grandfather. He has 2 apartments upstairs and his business in the first floor/basement (still runs the business today). I was feeling so independent.

94-95: Was pretty much the same as 93-94. I lived in my own apartment, worked, and traveled back and forth to see Jason, except now he was living at home. It was awkward to visit him at his home. When he came to visit me, it was just him and I, but not when we were at his home. I know his mom and dad tried their best to be nice to me, there always seemed to be something blocking us having a relationship. Tracy, his sister, was always nice to me and wanted to do stuff with Jason and I when I came to visit. I visited during the Christmas season in 94. At that time, Tracy gave me an old tree she was no longer using. Plus, I purchased most of the ornaments that I still have today. I had purchased a load of ornaments and shipped them home because during that trip, I flew down.

Next problem, with all the traveling and buying stuff, my debts were increasing with great numbers. I had become ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t control my spending habits because I just wanted to be with him.

95-96: The start of the decline. I was so lonely in Cleveland by myself. But, there was never any discussion of us stepping up to the next level. I never asked him and he never asked me. I had suggested that he try to find a job in Cleveland. He would be able to move in with me and work. That would have been one choice of a solution to our problem. I tried VERY hard to get him a job. With his degree, it should have been easy to get him a job. I was getting frustrated and lonelier because I spent almost every weekend at home, in my apartment, alone. Oh, I had friends; the ones I worked with. Because I was “involved,” they chose not to invite me out to the clubs with them. Funny thing, after we broke up, they still didn’t want to involve me.

My depression was very bad at this time, but undiagnosed, I couldn’t tell Jason how I was feeling. I NEVER told him how sad I had been. Today, after experience with working with a Psychiatrist, I understand that I have been “dealing” with my depression for years, maybe even since high school.

Next problem, I had depression, but didn’t know it and couldn’t describe it.

Our trip to Tampa/St. Petersburg: So, we took a trip to Tampa. My girlfriend Terri, who I haven’t seen since then, wanted us come visit. I had hoped that it would help us with our relationship. Jason had thought the same, but it was a very rough week. I acted like a baby because I wanted to spend time with Terri and Jason just wanted to spend time with me. In the end, we both took separate flights to our homes. We had actually broken up at this point. I tried my hardest for us to give it another shot. My loneliness just continued.

Jason tried to get me to move down to the Washington area with him. I actually had an interview that took me to Virginia. We even looked at apartments together. But, again, there was never talk of commitment. I had so much debt at that point, I was just plain ashamed of myself. I got a good look and compared the prices of stuff on the east coast versus where I was. With no commitment, how could I just up and move? I was so torn. The whole time, everyone at work never knew what was going on and no one ever asked. I think that really made me even more depressed. But, as before, I just “dealt” with it.

Our breakup: So, one night in October, it came to an end. We talked on the phone. I remember a lot of blaming going on. I was told that I had lost my innocence by moving to Cleveland and working at E&Y. I had stopped writing all together. Even though I had an important job, the money to pay the bills I had accumulated with Jason, it just wasn’t enough. So, it ended. And I cried for a few days and “moved on” like had always done in the past. I was lonely and alone, but had been feeling that for a long time and realized it would continue.

It seemed that the 4-year relationship wasn't going anywhere. I know there were communication problems, but we both didn't want to handle them. Love just didn't seem to be enough. The space (distance) got in the way. If he had only told me his plans. He has now said he was looking for an apartment when we broke up. At the time, he was still living at home, and I in my own apartment. There had been no talk of commitment. We were both scared.

What if there had been a commitment? What if?

Now, I have the opportunity to have him back in my life. I've lost the last 10 years. I want his friendship, even though my depression takes over my feelings. I am willing to re-learn about him if he will give me the chance.

I've lost too many friendships over the past 10 years. I can't lose this one. I'm not desperate, just in need of friends, especially since I want him to be totally honest with me.

Plus, there's an upside. Because he has told me he is running again and running marathons, maybe I'm inspired to try to lose weight. It's only 3 years until my 20-year reunion. Plus, if I ever get the opportunity to see him again, I don’t want him to see how the years aged me. I’m now 35 and feel like I’m 60!

Love to all,
Cathy
8^ )

As Marie, my sister, says, "Everything happens for a reason." There must have been a larger purpose to this experience. I just don't know what that meaning is yet.